Romantic Relationship with a Narcissist: The Narcissistic Trap


The second stage of a relationship with a narcissist is called “the trap”. It comes right after the pre-election campaign that begins the relationship. When I talk to victims of narcissists, “the trap” is a word that I hear quite often. What is a narcissistic trap, how do you fall into it, and how do you get out?

 Forced Love Confessions

When you start a relationship with a narcissist, they unhesitatingly say that they love you and cannot live without you. Such confessions may start at the end of the first week of your relationship, or at the latest, during their second week. The narcissist is suddenly burning with love; their passion is so intense that you find it hard to resist. Your partner is sure that you are the love of their life and wants you to say that you feel the same. Even if you are not ready to say that you love them back, you feel obliged to do it, since otherwise you do not feel at ease.

Sometimes your partner almost forces you to do so. It is a direct question, “Do you love me?” And you say “yes”. But this “yes” does not come from the bottom of your heart. You say it because you are under the narcissist’s influence. You feel their excitement, and you interpret this purely physiological feeling as love.

However, when you get home, you feel nothing of the kind. Please be aware of the difference in the way you feel with your partner or without them. If there is any, pause to think. Most likely, your confession was provoked by imposed feelings.

Some narcissists manipulate you through fear. They may hint, or even threaten, to commit suicide if you do not love them back. Very quickly, you are led to understand that their happiness, or even their life, depends on you alone. Naturally, you are confused. Unfortunately, you may take this confusion for love, and set out on the quest of saving your partner.


Love Messages

Some narcissists do not show their affection in person; rather, they prefer to do it in writing. After a date, you say goodbye and head home. And then you get a whole string of messages on your phone. These words of love are so breath-taking that you feel special: “Is it possible for me to be the object of such strong feelings?” Your heart is beating faster, and you think you love them back. Even though you are not in your partner’s presence, these feelings are not your own: they are imposed.

Here is a real-life example of a message from a narcissist: “I love you for the way I feel when I am with you. I am in heaven. Thank you for this unforgettable evening. You surrounded me with such care and attention. I cannot imagine my life without you. When you are not with me, I feel excruciating pain. Without you, the emptiness inside me is ready to swallow me. If you leave me, I will be unable to go on living, and my mother will never see her son again”.

This is a very good description of a narcissist. The emptiness inside them is always ready to swallow them, so they swallow you to fill it up. Do you really want to feed their emptiness? Are you really the person who must take care of their mother? At first hints at suicide from their part, run away! There is nothing for you in this relationship. Remember, neither your partner’s life nor their mother’s comfort are your responsibility.

Test your relationship. Try not replying to your new partner’s messages for 24 hours, or tell them that you are too busy to talk to them on the phone. If any negative reaction follows, be it resentment, jealousy or accusations, be warned! This is a dangerous signal, so stop to think. Such a reaction in a partner is a typical manipulation aimed at keeping you under control.

Precipitous Relationship Development

An extremely rapid development of a relationship is a classic narcissism marker. You meet often, possibly too often for your liking: you have no time to rest, take a break, come to your senses and realize what is going on. Your new partner is especially active when you are away from them: out of town, in another country, on vacation or on a business trip. They keep in touch with you in every possible way. They call you over and over again. You keep on getting messages from them, both on your phone and in your mailbox. There seems to be no end to your partner’s eloquence. However, the messages are so romantic that you do not mind never getting a break.

 Nevertheless, this is precisely the moment to take a deep breath and listen to your heart. Are you under constant pressure? Do you feel your world shrink around you? Maybe you find it hard to breathe freely or to do what you like anymore? If some of the above is true, you probably need to stop and think: is such limitation of your liberty a price you are ready to pay?


 Proposal from a Male Narcissist

The decision to tie the knot does not take long for a narcissist to make. This may happen in a month or two after your first date, or sometimes even earlier. When a male narcissist offers his hand to a woman, she feels compelled to accept. She remembers his words of love, his presents, the pleasant outings and enjoyable evenings together. Something deep inside this woman is stopping her from saying “yes”; she feels an uncomfortable pressure in her stomach; her heart keeps on telling her that something is wrong. However, she thinks, “He is such a wonderful man. No one else in the world is ever going to love me so much. No one else can take care of me like this.” And thus the fatal choice is made.

How a Female Narcissist Manipulates a Man into Proposing to Her

A man I knew told me about the dating period with his narcissistic wife-to-be. Very soon after the beginning of their relationship, his partner got into the habit of coming to see him uninvited; she came in anytime, like a bolt out of the blue, regardless of what her friend’s plans might be. In about a month from their first date, his partner came (again, uninvited) to his house and literally collapsed onto the floor. She was in tears; she rolled, sobbing, on the floor. The man could not understand what put her in such state. He found out it was nothing but his own fault: his partner believed that their relationship was not developing fast enough. This scene (and some others that did not fail to follow) made the man propose to her. He believed that once they were married, there would be no more such scenes. And of course, he was very sorry he did, especially when they had children. This trap cost him 13 years of potentially happy life.


Why Do We Fall into Their Traps?

 “What led you to do it? Why did you begin a relationship that you knew not to be right for you?” These are the questions I ask the victims of narcissists that I advise. Very often, they answer, “I felt trapped.” What is the nature of this trap? Why do we fall into it? These are the reasons:

1) The excess of compliments makes you feel euphoric and heightens your sense of importance. You take this euphoria for love. You think it will go on forever and decide to say “yes”.

2) The grandiose image that the narcissist created in your eyes makes you feel involved in something great and important. This cannot but thrill.

3) Your partner’s attentions and gifts make you feel you owe them.

4) Narcissists seem to possess an inexplicable power to hypnotize their victims. They create an irresistible emotional connection that draws you to them. You just head on, without thinking or feeling anything, like a hare running down the throat of a python.

Unfortunately, this can happen to anyone. Even to a psychologist that knows all about such things, or to a Ph. D. in psychology who has worked with victims of domestic violence many times. I have gone through it myself. And this is why I know not only the theoretical, but also the practical side of a relationship with a narcissist.

I would really like to help you. Please, do be on your guard! Do not fall into the narcissistic trap! Watch the playlist Narcissistic Personality Disorder on my channel. Many people who watched all those videos write to me about their successful recovery.

People at the very beginning of a relationship with a narcissist are still blinded by their false splendor. They are unlikely to watch videos or read articles on this subject. They still live the illusion. If you have any friends or family members that you believe are involved in such a relationship, please share this information with them.

Run away from narcissists! A relationship with them may be fatal. Find healthy and reliable partners. I wish you happiness in a healthy relationship. 


Author: Tatyana Dyachenko, systemic life coach, Ph.D. in psychology


Translation from Russian by Tatiana Fridman


#3 Guest 21.02.2018 09:07
Комментарий был удален администратором
#2 Guest 21.11.2017 08:13
Комментарий был удален администратором
#1 Guest 12.08.2017 23:19
Комментарий был удален администратором